There are also some really good places in the UK, such as Thorpe Park. But there are also some really crap places in the UK, such as Aldershot. Reading Festival, the most important Bank Holiday for teenagers, is neither good nor bad. It’s diverse line up (this year stretching from Big Narstie to Asking Alexandria) the actual punters are a total cross section of British youth. But there are certainly a few people you will meet as you drag your old DofE rucksack through miles of piss soaked fields. Here are the drugs they’re taking, what they have on, and of course what they will be listening to…
Coachella Bae
These went to your secondary school and then somehow followed you to college. They have extremely long snapchat stories and seem to have gone out every single weekend since about year nine. The male version of the ‘Coachella Bae’ bring duffel bags to class and will never have a pen. At Reading Festival expect them to be ill-prepared in terms of footwear, covered in rushed henna and inviting people to sit on their laps around the campsite.
What Drugs Are They Taking?
Cannabis, MDMA, Nos
What Are They Wearing?
Bumbags, Flower Crowns, Glitter, Cut Denim, Glitter, Braids, Glitter, Anything that could be perceived as culturally appropriative
Who Are They Listening To?
A$AP Rocky, Imagine Dragons, Sigma, The 1975
Roadman
The fastest growing sub-culture in the UK. Usually can be found around your local McDonald or in a VW Golf. Each of them has a small man bag with crackers and a pack of balloons in. They desperately want to have a fight with you and spend their weeknights on The Basement. At Reading they will probably try to mosh to every song going, wear a waterproof in the blazing sunshine and inexplicably will spit at everything. Long live the Grime takeover.
What Drugs Are They Taking?
MDMA, Pills, Ketamine, Frosted Jacks
What Are They Wearing?
The North Face, Nike, Adidas, Supreme, Palace, Stone Island, Anything your Dad used to wear when he was a hooligan
Who Are They Listening To?
My Nu Leng, DJ EZ, Section Boyz, Hannah Wants, Boy Better Know
Indie Kid
They have been counting down for this day since they left Truck Festival. Indie Kids get on with it at Festivals as they’re used to stupidly big crowds and overhype. Usually can be complaining or lusting over the aesthetics of ‘Submarine’ and independent retailers. On Instagram they all have impeccable themes and seem to listen exclusively to vinyl. At the festival expect them to be sat around the campfire mocking those who want to sing Wonderwall and trying to stay warm in their new ‘drug rugs’ from the stupid amount of Charity Shops around the campsite.
What Drugs Are They Taking?
Cannabis, Strongbow
What Are They Wearing?
Hareem Pants, Their Dad’s shirts, Doc Martens, Fishnets, Glitter, Temporary tattoos for children
Who Are They Listening To?
Foals, Slaves, Cage The Elephant, Hinds, The Temper Trap
Private School By Day, Class A By Night
Due to Reading Festival’s proximity to huge amounts of private schools and some pretty good sixth forms, there is an inundation of ‘quite posh’ people. These teenagers can be seen in the VIP booth at your local shitty club, or maybe in Winchester driving their Fiat 500. The thing with these teenagers is that they have spare cash, and 9/10 that ends up in their nostrils. If it is mentioned in the Misuse Of Drugs Act 1971, they will do it- just to pass the time. At Reading Festival expect them to be begging you for gum, perhaps saying ‘Rah’ and looking shifty in the queue.
What Drugs Are They Taking?
Whatever they can get their hands on
What Are They Wearing?
Hunter Wellingtons, Leavers hoodie, Sunglasses, Neon face paint, Rubgy shirt
Who Are They Listening To?
Red Hot Chili Peppers, Courteeners, Two Door Cinema Club, David Rodigan
“This festival used to be all about the music man”
These are grown up humans going to a music festival in which last year I saw someone snort their own vomit for a fiver. I can only assume that these people cannot be trusted at all ever. If you ever end up in a conversation with them, be prepared to have to explain what Pokemon Go is and why teens nowadays don’t really appreciate the music. Avoid these grown up humans who go just because they have been for the last 20 years. Also avoid their children that will collect empty plastic cups for their parents to get money off the next Carlsberg, they may bite.
What Drugs Are They Taking?
Carlsberg, Luke warm Carlsberg, May be Carlsberg but could be piss
What Are They Wearing?
Leather jackets, Too many piercings, Ripped fishnets, Metallica merchandise
Who Are They Listening To?
Biffy Clyro, Eagles Of Death Metal, Bill Bailey, Frank Turner
No comments:
Post a Comment